Staring at the surface of the water: Shadow (second perspective)

 

Trial

PHOTO PROMPT Copyright- The Reclining Gentleman

He stared up at the churning surface of the water, watching the man’s distorted shadow.

Limbs flailed, stirring water to chop, stirring mud into murk. Beetles burrowed into him, eating flesh, and he screamed soundlessly in his watery prison. He lay, waiting for his freedom.

Waited with shadows of old glories. A deathless murderer, he had been feared. Bloody battles, warriors gutted… slaughters, now lost in centuries. Forgotten, like him.

A heavy Templar Cross, tarnished silver, pinning him to the muck for centuries, lurched heavily and started… to… give…

Maybe he would be freed.

One more slaughter…


(97 words)

This is my second entry to Rochelle Wisoff-Fields Friday Fictioneers 100 word challenge – Part Two that follows Part One. This week I had written two 100 word stories, from different perspectives. I really hope that posting two entries isn’t breaking any rules!

Today I posted the Second Perspective – another set of eyes staring at the surface of the water, only this time from the bottom of the lake. This one is a return to my current horror focus – I’d be interested hearing your thoughts now that you have read the second.  Does this story stand on its own? Did the first? How does it read as a ‘single piece’ now you can see both perspectives?

In my opinion, reading the first story on its own focuses your attention on the fisherman, his thoughts and behaviours, his ‘need to battle, to win’. Once you read the second story, I feel the focus shifts to the action – the snagged fishing line – which threatens to release the beast. Do you agree?

This was also a trial of a ‘mirror-structure’ – by using the same basic structure and even repeating almost whole sentences, I hoped to tie these two characters together closely, basically to bind them in this pivotal moment… again, does it work? Does the repetition get dull?

Again, thanks for indulging me in this experiment, and I look forward to your comments.

I also recommend you click on the blue frog to read the other stories too 🙂

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17 thoughts on “Staring at the surface of the water: Shadow (second perspective)

  1. AAh I see what you are doing now, of course. Actually got a little shiver reading the first bit, realizing what the tug on the fishing line had actually been. And I like the mirror aspect, which strengthens even more the changing of the last line on the first story to “One more win….” (Maybe victory?) I think both of these stories can stand on their own as first chapters or a scene within the greater picture, but not on their own as a whole story as there is no definitive arc. They could each become separate stories too, of course. Returning to my previous note regarding naming the character. If this will become one story with two viewpoints, I think one of them has to be named in these snippets to draw some sympathy. If we aren’t sympathetic to a character, we won’t feel the horror when something horrifying happens. It would only be one small way to help create the sympathy among the other layers which I am sure you have planned! Good writing on this.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks again for your considered feedback – im pleased that you thought the mirrored structure worked, (and thanks for the kind words generally).

      Will i revist these guys & perhaps name them? I dont have specific plans to – each was created for the 100 word challenge alone. That said, I enjoyed writing them and think theres a nice hook in there, so i might dredge up a longer story in the future (pardon the puns). I think on a revisit, the Deathless would be named, Corp Raider may be ‘victim #1’. 😉

      Thanks again for reading!
      KT

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    1. Thanks John 🙂

      I had some metaphor in the back of my mind about how often when we look at things we only see the reflections of ourselves & fail to consider what might be deeper, but theres a limit to what i could wrestle into 200 words 😀

      Thanks for reading!
      KT

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  2. Dear KT,

    Posting a two-parter is not something I encourage, particularly with the number of entries we get. However it’s certainly not against any rules, nor will I impose it.

    “Deathless murderer”…I like that. I actually liked this second one. Won’t the other guy be surprised when he reels in this catch of the day?

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Unexpected ‘Extreme fishing’! Thanks Rochelle – I wont make a practice of posting two, part of the attraction of the Fictioneers is that 100 words is a challenge – an ‘economy of words’ is required!

      Im glad you enjoyed it.

      Cheers
      KT

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  3. Dear KT,

    Rochelle’s proscription notwithstanding, I think these two interlinked stories were excellent. They stand alone, yet together stand even taller. The thought that went into these two to make this happen…well, I tip my hat to you. Very well done.

    Aloha,

    Doug

    P.S. Rochelle, and by extension, most of us, have read some serious dreck in the form of double posts so I understand where she’s coming from. Your stories are the happy exception. You hit it out of the park.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you very much for the kind words Doug – I was concerned about the rules, but once the idea was in my head… Well, lets say it wouldn’t die 😉

      I’m really glad you liked them. Next one will be by the books though – scouts honour!*

      *disclaimer – i have never had any affiliation with the Scouts.

      Cheers
      KT

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  4. I came to this story first and had to double back to part one after I read it. Glad I did because part 2 definitely gains by virtue of the link. I think you handled the mirroring aspect really well, but not only that – I like how part 2 acts as an ironic commentary on part 1, with the faux machismo of the corporate alpha male put into perspective by the comparison with the grisly past of the deathless murderer.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awesome – im glad you liked it. I wondered how many people read two first & how that changed the impact 🙂

      And yes the faux raider contrasts nicely with a real warrior!

      KT

      Like

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